The Tithing Sermon You'll Never Hear Preached


Scene: First Community Church. Pastor Jones takes The pulpit…

"Good morning Saints. Bless God, I'm fired up today! God has given me a dynamic message to share with you, and I'm just going to get right into it. I want to speak to you on a very important topic; tithing." (audible groans from the congregation)

"It has come to my attention that we have not been obedient to all of the scriptural injunctions on tithing. We have been lax and neglectful."  (louder groans)

"We need to get our house in order, and start obeying the Word of God! Turn with me to Deuteronomy chapter fourteen, starting in verse twenty-two. Stand with me as we read from the Word. I will be reading from the New Living version."

"You must set aside a tithe of your crops; one-tenth of all the crops you harvest each year. Bring this tithe to the place the Lord your God chooses for his name to be honored, and eat it there in his presence. This applies to your tithes of grain, new wine, olive oil, and the firstborn males of your flocks and herds. The purpose of tithing is to teach you always to fear the Lord your God. Now the place the Lord chooses for his name to be honored might be a long way from your home. If so, you may sell the tithe portion of your crops and herds and take the money to the place the Lord your God chooses. When you arrive, use the money to buy anything you want, an ox, a sheep, some wine, or beer. Then feast there in the presence of the Lord your God and celebrate with your household." (by this time, Pastor Jones has the full attention of the congregation)

"Folks, it's time we started being obedient. Now I know that a number of you have gardens, but I can tell you that I haven't once come across a watermelon, any tomatoes or ears of corn when the deacons have passed the plate! Not even any carrots or green onions. That's just plain disobedience, and it needs to be put right. Now I know for a fact that the Hoppers own some goats, and the Smiths have goats and some cows. Why is it that we haven't had any billy goats, or young bulls led into this sanctuary during the offertory? Brother Geizel, I know for a fact that you have a micro-brewery in your garage. Brother, why has none of the fruit of your labors been brought to the storehouse? Not even a jug-jar of homebrew have I seen!!"

"Now I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're gonna obey, that's what we're gonna do. Bless God, we're gonna have a celebration next Sunday. I want a bull for the pit barbecue. Maybe a couple of goats on a spit. I'm not sure what they would taste like, but we'll give it a try. Folks, get out in your gardens, and round up some veggies. Ladies, bring some woks, and we can cook them up real healthy and low-fat. Brother Geizel, I'm gonna step out in faith and say that you'll bring a couple of kegs of your best brew. Don't be stingy with the Lord."

"I know some of you live a fair piece away from the church. Have a yard sale on Saturday folks. Sell off the fruit of your labors. Do like the Bible says. Take that money, go down the supermarket and buy what your heart desires. Read the scriptures; it's right there; whatever you want. You want filet mignon; brother buy it! Sister, you been hankerin' for some shrimp. Good heavens, quit hankerin' and get down there and by them jumbo shrimp! Wine and beer. Don't look at me with that sour look, Sister Scrutemizer. Look at your Bible, right there in verse twenty-six. Wine and beer. I don't know all the brands. There's that Corbett Canyon… that one that echoes. There's Christian Brothers. There's a spiritual wine for you. Brothers, pick up some cases of Budweiser. Miller. I don't know; whatever brand of beer you usually sneak out of the store with. Bring it all to church next Sunday. We're gonna have us a celebration!" (the congregations departs in unusually high spirits)

***3 weeks later, Pastor Jones was called in to the District Headquarters for questioning. He has not been seen since.

Author's note: This is not a true incident. The scriptural reference is in fact a genuine one, which should lead you to ask; Is the tithing taught in churches today scriptural? Have we been sold a bill of goods? Next time you hear a sermon on tithing, bring up this passage, and ask why we aren't practicing it.

© 1998 by John Green
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